Description

The German weekly magazine Der Spiegel profiled our communityoriented housing project as part of the lead story of the New Year 2015 edition entitled “Best Friends”.

THE THIRD WAY

Living together. As the traditional model of the family unit becomes increasingly fragmented, many Germans are turning to making new friends: friends that can help in the event of an emergency, in times of illness, old age and other predicaments. Can that work? The white villa in the heart of Bremen’s station quarter looks like the promise of something new. Next door, rubbish piles high in front of the apartment block, and a few yards further along there is a meeting place for drug addicts. The white house from the Wilhelmine period, by contrast, is surrounded by a lush garden and its window shutters gleam blue-green like the sea. For the last 27 years, the house has been home to two couples and two single men. It began around the time of their 50th birthday when the group decided that they would hatch a joint plan for how they wished to live the rest of their lives. Friendship. Communal breakfasts, exchanges of opinion, shared joys, a car, books and music, each in their own apartment but all under one roof. The primary motivation, however, was to take an interest in one another and to be there for one another in times of need. Soon after they had moved in, and while they were still searching for like-minded people, the first tragedy struck. Cancer. The actress in their midst fell ill and, honouring her wish, they took it in turns to lie next to her in bed when she felt overcome by mortal fear. “It takes some getting used to,” says Henning Scherf even today, “but it was a favour to a friend” made entirely unconditionally. He hopes others will be equally unconditional should he find himself someday in need of their help.

This tall gentleman was first Senator and then Mayor of Bremen for almost 30 years, and in the apartment that he shares with his wife there are numerous photos of children, in-laws and grandchildren. On Christmas Eve the family sing together in a large circle, numerous enough to sing the different parts. At family gatherings, there can be almost 50 people seated around the table. Surely then, someone like Scherf would not be alone, even without his friends.

“Our friendship within the house is more important,” replies the 76-year old. It is the safety net that allows us to live our lives together right up to the end and still remain independent. We will neither vegetate in isolation nor be a burden on our children. I think that’s fantastic!”

There is great potential in friends like his, of that he his convinced: now that families are more dispersed, many people are no longer connected to a church and the welfare state struggles to cope, it is friends who are best able to provide help and assistance in difficult times. Friends as a socio-political necessity, as a substitute for the traditional institutions of caring coexistence? It would seem that the now-retired politician’s model could perhaps in passing solve some of the problems of modern society.[1]

I would do it all over again. What makes “living under one roof” so attractive is that it makes it possible to live independently and in solidarity, that it is an interesting form of urban life and because it is an appropriate response to the challenges of demographic change.

At the beginning we all had our own ideas but shared the common wish to try something new. Some of us already knew each other, while others had only met occasionally in the past. Three parties were able to sell their houses to help finance the project while the others contributed by paying rent. It was also important to us that some of our adolescent children came with us.

Although everyone seems to think I was the driving factor, it was actually Ursula helped by her husband who was responsible. She was the one who was most involved during the planning process and later accompanied the daily progress of conversion works. And she was the expert to whom Schnorrenberger architects and Hübotter building consultants turned, not to mention the many tradesmen involved. To this day she keeps our finances in order and we have therefore never needed nor need the assistance of an association. We have always had and continue to have Ursula.

Everyday life

– Since mid-1988, we have managed to breakfast together every Saturday. We take it in turns, each of us going to the effort of hosting breakfast. Visiting guests are always included. And when on festive days children and grandchildren are there, they too join us.

– Bit by bit, we have distributed the different tasks among us. Ursula, our “managing director” is our treasure! Her accounts are so perfect that we are all at a loss for words for how to thank her. The two who keep the garden in order are likewise a godsend. We are the only house in the neighbourhood not to have turned our garden into parking spaces. We want to be able to see blossoms and greenery out of our windows. It has come to symbolise the house and it gives pleasure to our neighbours and casual passers-by.

– One of us we call the “presenile escapee”. As an early riser,

he’s the one who puts out the rubbish bins, shovels snow and sweeps away rubbish on the pavement left by revellers from the nearby disco-mile.

– Two of the other residents have a long-standing agreement: one of them irons shirts, the other repairs bicycles. These small favours cumulate like building blocks that keep the house community stable and running smoothly.

– The biggest attraction for our grandchildren is, in fact, a horse that one of our group keeps in a nearby riding stable. He is single and enjoys that he is the children’s first port of call on arriving to arrange a visit to see the horse.

– Only one of us has a car and from time to time allows the rest of us to drive it. That has not made us any less mobile. On the contrary: we are always arranging who can carry out errands for whom, and who would like to come along on a visit to the theatre or a concert or lecture.

– Our books: originally we had the idea of a shared library. However, there was neither the space nor the inclination. As a result we each have our wall of books, some of them well sorted, many of them less well sorted. What is particularly nice is when we present what we are reading to each other, and then, when we are done, pass it on between us.

– When I write books or talks, I like to get constructive feedback as well as to ask people what they know or what they think. That often works well in the house. I generally receive most criticism when I relate too freely from our lives together. My fellow occupants are less keen on the attention and public interest this brings.

– Our guests, in particular those who stay overnight, are guests of the

house. When needed, we all make space. For example, we had 16 visitors over Christmas and there was still space for everyone.

– We go on joint holidays together, on bike rides with our electric bikes, and joint friends also join us from time to time.

– And when one of our number needs caring for, we are able to manage that too – for the moment at least.

I am often asked what happens when there are conflicts in the house. None of us are saints and over the years we have lived together we have learned to talk about our occasional aggravations. Talking to one another is the only means of preventing the gradual loss of intimacy which slips away silently until the only memory of the past relationship of trust is a polite Christmas card. Talking about things, and talking to one another, can be practiced. Mediation can also often be helpful, and one of our number, on entering retirement, undertook training in mediation at the University of Oldenburg.

How transferable is our example?

Demographic change means that an ever greater number of people are living to an ever older age. The greatest challenge in this context is the risk of social isolation. One means of preventing this is to join together with others to live under one roof. It also helps that many people are interested in moving back into the city. Old, often neglected neighbourhoods are experiencing a revival. That presents a great chance for urban planners and also helps bolster local politics. All we need now are fair conditions: the property market must be affordable for everyone and financial service providers need to enable such projects in the same way they do for young families. It also works best when different generations are able to exist alongside one another: the more varied it is, the more attractive it is.

The experience of living together over almost thirty years has shown that it was good for us each to have an apartment for our respective needs that the others respect as our private space. Everyone can furnish their homes how they wish and determine their own personal daily rhythm.

Coordination is only required when joint activities are planned.

Consideration for one another is very important. We of course respect the need for rest, whether a good night’s sleep or afternoon siesta. The few smokers in the house are careful not to spoil the enjoyment of the non-smokers (the majority!). For the most part, it is simply about everyone feeling at ease. And even when our children and grandchildren bring their pets with them, we are able to help one another.

Over the years our children, although none of them live in Bremen, have become friends with one another. When visits coincide, they are always an opportunity for great reunions between the generations. The same goes for our respective friends, most of whom have become friends of everyone in the house. A large circle of people have gathered around us who accompany us, who take an active interest in our lives together and who are always welcome to visit and to stay.

Community-oriented housing is not a magical solution to all conceivable problems, but it does offer an answer to the challenges presented by the aging society and the prevailing healthcare crisis. Local politicians and social policymakers would be well advised to put their heads together with the many people who do not wish to live alone and doleful in their houses or apartments that were once built to house a family but are now too large for them. Community-oriented housing can act as a catalyst for the revitalisation of a neighbourhood or even an entire locality. What better way to make urban renewal attractive?

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Originally published in: Annette Becker, Laura Kienbaum, Kristien Ring, Peter Cachola Schmal, Bauen und Wohnen in Gemeinschaft / Building and Living in Communities, Birkhäuser, 2015.